Practical Advice For Parents With An Addicted Child

Being the parent or guardian of a child with a substance use disorder (SUD) can be overwhelming. Whether your child is a teen, young adult, or older adult, the effort to provide support without enabling their substance use is challenging. You may feel overcome with different emotions, from confusion, guilt, and fear, to sadness, anger, and helplessness.

Parents with addicted children face a complex situation. Dealing with a loved one’s SUD is never easy, but you can help yourself by learning about addiction and ways to respond to your child’s behavior and needs.

Defining Addiction

Coming-of-age movies, TV shows, and books have long portrayed experimenting with drugs and alcohol as normal, and even common, for teenagers and young adults. Although not everyone who uses drugs or alcohol will develop problematic use or addiction, there are many people who will.

Addiction often develops in stages, and young people seem to move through these stages faster.

The four stages of substance use that may culminate in addiction, according to MedlinePlus, are as follows:

• recreational use
• regular use
• problematic or risky use
• addiction

Addiction is the most severe form of substance use disorder (SUD), characterized by a pattern of substance use that negatively impacts a person’s health and life. Diminished performance in school and work are often observed, as well as changes in personality and priorities. All forms of SUD are treatable, and the sooner a person gets help, the easier the path to recovery tends to be.

With the powerful synthetic drug fentanyl responsible for the majority of overdose deaths today, and often cut into other drugs and unknowingly taken by people who use those drugs, getting help for drug use issues is even more critical.

Risk Factors Of Substance Use Disorder

Although no single issue is known to cause SUDs, there are several risk factors that can influence SUD, especially when combined.

Some of the factors known to influence SUD include:

• difficult temperament
• environmental stress
• family history of SUD
• genetics
• low parental supervision
• mental illness
• parent-child conflict
• peer pressure
• poor parental attachment
• prenatal alcohol exposure
• trauma

As you consider your child’s possible SUD, you may contemplate the above-mentioned risk factors that are relevant to their experience. It may be difficult to know with certainty whether some of these factors are at play. For example, your child may have experienced a trauma that you are unaware of, or they might have been pressured by friends to use substances, unbeknownst to you. Regardless of what the triggering event or events may be, it’s important that parents with addicted children, particularly young children, encourage therapy for their child and go to therapy themselves to identify and cope with potential underlying issues.

Signs Your Child May Be Experiencing Drug Or Alcohol Issues

Drug and alcohol use affect the way a person thinks and behaves. As substance use escalates into SUD or addiction, it often becomes more difficult to conceal associated behaviors, like lying, acting secretively, and isolating from family, as well as the physical effects. If you believe your child may be experiencing drug or alcohol addiction, consider the telltale behavioral and physical signs below.

Behavioral signs and symptoms of addiction include:

• aggressiveness, hostility, and/or violence
• confusion
• difficulty concentrating
• extreme mood swings
• frequent lying
• getting in trouble, e.g., accidents, falls, fights, legal issues, stealing, etc.
• hallucinations
• increased isolation
• lack of motivation
• paranoia
• personality changes
• reduced performance at school, work, and/or extracurricular activities
• secretive behaviors
• unexplained bursts of hyperactivity

Physical signs and symptoms may not be as obvious, unless drug or alcohol use has begun to escalate. Physical indicators are more likely to show over time due to the increased strain on the body caused by substances.

Physical signs and symptoms of addiction include:

• appetite changes
• bloodshot eyes
• changes in sleep patterns
• impaired coordination
• neglecting personal hygiene and/or appearance
• oversized or pinhole-sized pupils
• skin changes
• slurred speech
• tremors
• unusual smells on the breath, clothes, or person
• vomiting
• weight fluctuations

Common Co-Occurring Mental Health Issues

It’s not rare for someone to have a mental illness and an SUD. According to the 2021 National Survey on Drug Use and Health, published by the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA), 13.5 percent of young adults, ages 18 to 25, had both a mental illness and an SUD. Some of the main mental health disorders that co-occur with SUD include depression, anxiety disorders, schizophrenia, and personality disorders.

There are several reasons why an SUD and another mental health disorder may occur together. The causes of both are similar, as both are largely rooted in brain composition, genetics, and childhood trauma. People with mental health issues may use drugs or alcohol as a way to cope with symptoms of their mental illness. Also, the use of some substances, especially over time, can cause symptoms that mimic that of a mental illness, and even trigger the development of a mental illness.

Talking To Your Child About Substance Use And Addiction

It’s important to speak with your child about substance use and addiction, especially as they enter their teen years when peer pressure and the desire for experimentation spikes, and if there is a family history of SUD. If your child is an adult, this conversation can keep the pathways of communication open and let your child know that you’re aware of what’s going on.

Parents of addicted children may find that it’s difficult to speak with their child about their addiction. Most people with addiction experience intense feelings of guilt and shame. Your child may become defensive and shut down the conversation, or you may fear that talking about the subject will trigger continued substance use. If your child is an adult, they may have a pattern of using substances when difficult conversations or situations arise. Consider the following tips for making the conversation easier.

Be Open-Minded

When approaching a conversation with your child about their substance use, maintain an open mind and refrain from judgment. It can be challenging not to feel overcome by emotion, especially if your child is underage, but one reason for the conversation is understanding why they use substances. If you know the root cause, then you can help them access the support they need.

If your child is an adult, do not berate them or their choices. Adult children can’t be forced to stop using substances. Your adult child is probably well aware that their choices aren’t ideal, and doesn’t feel great about it. Using a judgmental tone, instead of an understanding tone, may close the line of communication, which can make it harder to know what’s going on with them. Focus the conversation on the behaviors that are associated with your child’s addiction, not their character.

Express Love

People who use substances to cope with life are struggling, especially if they are unable to control their use despite facing legal troubles, relationship problems, and other complications—all of which indicate an addiction and the need for professional treatment. Those in active addiction may feel unlovable as a result of their behaviors. Express that you love your child unconditionally, and that love doesn’t change because of their addiction.

Encourage Treatment

If someone is facing an SUD, treatment is the most effective way to help them transition into a recovery lifestyle. Depending on the method of treatment, your child may be able to spend time away from triggering people, places, and situations, providing them with a reprieve to focus on healing. Treatment can allow for identification of underlying issues, such as mental illness or trauma, and access to licensed professionals who can help them address these issues.

Some people are resistant to treatment and, again, may become defensive. Denial is often a major component of addiction and can stand in the way of receiving treatment. When speaking to your child, approach the topic of treatment calmly, and don’t try to force it upon them, especially during the first few conversations. If a person’s addiction escalates to more dire levels, an intervention can be held with a trained professional, but that’s to be determined later on. For now, approach the topic with a gentle, encouraging attitude.

Offer Support But Don’t Enable

When speaking to your child, ask how you can best support them. Offer to help them find treatment providers and/or therapists, or to drive them to and from appointments or recovery meetings. Your level of support will be unique to your situation and feelings, but allow them to see that you’re willing to help them pursue recovery.

There is a fine line between being supportive and enabling, however. Don’t overlook their substance use or make excuses for them. While SUD is a mental health disorder and not their fault, you can let them know that you will support them as long as they seek treatment or make efforts to maintain recovery. Refrain from actions that will allow your child to continue using substances or to do so and lie about it. For example, allowing your child to use drugs or alcohol in your home because you believe “it’s safer” may cause them to associate your home with substance use, and it’ll no longer be a safe place for them mentally. Setting boundaries, as discussed next, can help prevent you from enabling your child’s addiction.

Set Clear Boundaries

Boundaries are one of the ways that you can protect yourself from your child’s addiction, while also setting expectations for their behaviors as they relate to you. Remain strong in your boundaries, so your child knows they can’t manipulate changes in their favor. As defined by Mental Health America: “Boundaries are uncomfortable, but necessary.”

If your child lives in your home, for example, you might require them to refrain from substance use and pursue recovery as contingents of living in your home. Or, if your child has a pattern of asking for money, state that you will not provide them with money.

Just as you set boundaries, also make sure to reinforce positive behaviors, and start small. If your child takes initiative for cleaning their room, recognize it. If your child goes to their first recovery meeting, congratulate them for doing so. If your child has a week of uninterrupted sobriety, give them a card with a special note to mark the occasion. Expressions of love and kindness can provide the reassurance that your child needs during this delicate time.

Treatment Options To Consider For Your Child

Knowing what the different options are, when approaching the topic of SUD recovery, can help you and your child explore the best possible methods for their recovery. Several types of recovery options are available, and many of these are used in combination with each other. For example, people in outpatient programs are typically required to attend recovery meetings, and people in inpatient treatment may follow a step-down model, segueing from inpatient to outpatient treatment and living in recovery housing.

Some of the treatment options you may consider for your child include:

• detoxification: programs that provide care and support during drug and alcohol withdrawal in a medical or non-medical setting prior to beginning treatment
• live-in treatment: the most intensive forms of treatment, entailing residing in a treatment center for a period of weeks or months, usually 30-, 60-, or 90-day periods
• outpatient programs: treatment where the person resides at home or in a sober living facility and reports to a treatment center at scheduled times throughout the week for therapy, group meetings, drug tests, and more
• teen rehab program: inpatient and outpatient programs designed specifically for teenagers with SUD
• therapy: meeting with a therapist regularly, which can take the form of one-on-one, group, or family therapy

Coping Tips For Parents With Addicted Children

It can be a process to cope with your child’s addiction. Some days you may feel like you’re closer to coming to terms with their addiction, and other days it seems more difficult. The process is a fluid one; be patient with yourself. Consider the following suggestions to make the process more manageable.

Don’t Smother

It can be tempting to want to monitor everything your child does, everywhere they go, and everyone they talk to. The appropriateness of doing so will depend on their age and unique situation. However, if your child is an adult, smothering them will only push them away from you and toward secretive tendencies. Smothering will also lead to obsessiveness in you, which can be detrimental to your mental health. When your child becomes an adult, you can encourage rightful action or consider an intervention with professional assistance.

Practice Self-Care

If you have an addicted child, it’s easy to become lost in and consumed with their addiction. Dedicating so much time, effort, and peace of mind to your loved one’s addiction can easily push your main priority—you—to the wayside. Practicing self-care is a great way to keep the focus on you while also supporting a positive frame of mind.

Self-care may entail participating in a pastime that you love, like painting, writing, cooking, or singing. It may also involve exercise, like hiking, running, yoga, or going to the gym. You may develop a meditation practice or get involved in community service. You may also simply take a nap or a hot bath, or read a book. Any action that allows you to relax your nerves and feel at peace is a form of self-care.

Go To Therapy

Even if your addicted child is in therapy, it’s important to receive therapy on your own. Being the loved one of someone with an addiction can evoke intense emotions, and do so often. You may need support with setting boundaries or responding to your child in appropriate ways. You may need guidance with creating healthy habits for yourself. Or, you may need help with accepting that your child doesn’t want to seek treatment right now. Therapy can help with all of these concerns and more.

Find A Peer-Led Support Group

Attending support groups for people with addicted family members and/or loved ones can provide you with a network of people who understand your situation. Groups such as Al-Anon and Adult Children of Alcoholics & Dysfunctional Families meet in person and online and provide a safe space for people in these situations to express their thoughts, and to pursue a level of healing themselves.

Find Freedom From Addiction

Dealing with a loved one’s addiction is strenuous, but support is available. If you or your loved one is ready to recover, or if you’re seeking information about options for recovery, call Bedrock Recovery Center today. We’re happy to help you.