How Do I Tell My Spouse I’m Struggling With Addiction?

People with substance use disorders (SUDs) may try to hide the fact that they’re struggling from their friends, family, and partners. However, even in cases where daily functioning appears to remain unchanged, people typically can’t keep the image going forever and eventually choose to seek treatment.

The journey to long-term recovery often starts with admitting you need help. This typically involves conversations with close loved ones, like a spouse. Below we’ve provided tips for how to tell your spouse about your addiction.

Tips For Telling Your Partner You Need Help

The effects of SUD usually extend to those closest to you. A 2013 study by the University at Buffalo Research Institute on Addictions (RIA) found that married couples where one spouse drinks heavily and the other doesn’t have higher divorce rates than couples where neither person drinks heavily. If you have a child, your alcohol or drug use can take a toll on them as well. Studies have shown that children who have a parent with an SUD have increased risks of depression, anxiety disorders, addiction, functional impairments, abuse and neglect, and more.

However, experiencing drug or alcohol addiction as a married person certainly doesn’t have to end with divorce. By telling your spouse you have an addiction and plan to seek help, you can begin the road to long-term recovery while mending your relationship. Here are seven tips for a successful conversation.

Educate Yourself About Addiction And Recovery

The first step in revealing to your partner your substance abuse issue is becoming knowledgeable about addiction and recovery. Many people, including those with SUDs, don’t know what addiction and recovery entail. They may believe that addiction is a choice, not knowing that it is a chronic disease characterized by drug seeking and use that is compulsive and difficult to control despite any harmful consequences.

Addiction recovery requires professional help, similar to recovery from a physical health issue. Addiction specialists use many evidence-based treatments to help people with SUDs achieve recovery, through many levels of care, including inpatient and outpatient options. Learning about addiction and the steps required for recovery prepares you to talk with your spouse, showing them you’ve taken the time to educate yourself and that you’re serious about changing. It can also help them begin to understand what you’re going through and how it’s affecting your behavior.

Prepare Yourself Mentally And Emotionally

Talking about personal issues can be hard, especially when first admitting you need help. You may worry about how your spouse will receive what you’re saying. Though you cannot fully predict how your spouse will take the news, you can feel better prepared, emotionally and mentally, to handle their response.

First, reflect on your feelings and the impact addiction has had on you, them, and your relationship. You may want to write down certain instances where your addiction has directly affected your spouse. You don’t necessarily have to bring these up in your discussion, but rather speak to the feelings that you and they may have felt. Showing your spouse that you’ve thought about how your addiction has hurt them indicates that you’re getting sober not just for yourself, but also for them.

Reflecting on your past drug or alcohol use may bring up feelings of shame and guilt. Try to practice self-compassion, keeping in mind that addiction is a medical issue that requires professional care. Still, taking action to seek recovery requires courage, which you should also praise yourself for.

Choose An Appropriate Time And Place

When you’ve decided to seek addiction treatment, you may immediately want to tell your spouse to get the conversation over with as soon as possible. However, giving some thought to the time and place can be very helpful.

For example, you probably don’t want to discuss something so personal in a public setting or before your spouse has a big work meeting. Plan the conversation during downtime between the two of you, or ask your spouse ahead of time when would be a good time for an important conversation.

Be Honest

Addiction alters how people view themselves, the world, and what they want, even when they aren’t under the direct influence of the substance. This can lead to behaviors you aren’t proud of, but it’s important not to downplay them when talking with your spouse. They have likely been hurt by your behaviors too.

Acknowledging your past behaviors and being honest about why you’re seeking recovery can help validate your partner’s feelings, making them feel seen and heard. Your honesty can help them feel more supportive of your recovery and your future together.

Consider Their Perspective

Though you may feel prepared to talk to your spouse, they may not be prepared to hear the news and may react with grief, shock, sadness, or resentment. Be prepared to hear them out. Keep in mind that you’re revealing something heavy, and give them time and space to process their emotions. You may even need a couple of hours or even a day apart so they can properly digest the news. Remember to always consider their perspective, and never tell them how they should feel.

Show Your Commitment To Recovery And To The Relationship

When you approach your spouse about your addiction, you’ll want to be clear that you intend to get help. This can be shown by researching treatment options beforehand or even seeking an initial assessment with a treatment center over the phone. On the other hand, you might consider asking your spouse if they’d like to choose the treatment center with you, if you are open to that.

Many treatment centers, including Bedrock Recovery Center in Canton, MA, offer family therapy and couples’ therapy among their evidence-based treatment options. Choosing a facility that offers support for the two of you as a couple may make the most sense for strengthening your relationship during your recovery.

Manage Your Expectations

Though emotions may run high during the conversation, try to remain empathetic, calm, and cooperative. Instead of predicting how the conversation will go, enter the discussion with an open mind. This allows you to be unattached to any outcome and receptive to whatever comes up. Understand that your spouse may not yet believe that you are fully committed to recovery until you’ve taken more concrete steps.

The Importance Of Open Communication

Open communication is vital for a strong relationship. Addiction can disrupt a person’s ability to relay their feelings, thoughts, and needs, and consider their spouse’s feelings, thoughts, and needs, eventually taking a toll on the relationship.

When you tell your spouse about your addiction, you begin to open up the channels of positive and beneficial discourse. This can lead to more honest, thoughtful, and loving interactions between you and your spouse. When people are in a relationship with open communication, they feel heard and better supported, instead of judged and ignored.

Seeking Support Together

Addiction treatment offers couples the opportunity to heal relationship rifts that may have occurred due to substance use and build a stronger future together. Couples may attend therapy and counseling sessions individually and together to learn healthy communication skills, conflict-resolution skills, and other skills critical for a healthy relationship. Couples also may attend 12-step meetings together or individually, such as Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) and Al-Anon.

Getting Started On The Path To Recovery

If you want to take that first step on the journey to recovery today, call to speak with one of our care specialists about a free initial assessment, verification of insurance benefits, and treatment options available to you.